Something for Myself

It has been quite some time since my last update.. Hee... Been busy with my priority with my studies.. And also, myself..

Dun wanna actually rant about my student life as those are just some natural things (damn loads of assignments, tasks, studies..^-^)...

Rather, I would like to update about my progress with the counselling session I had, so far.. Been following the counselling session with a psychologist.. (I've mistaken him as the psychiatrist..hahaha..my condition is still manageable so it is good enough to have onli counselling sessions without the need of medications..)

AT first, I thought things would be fine since I have been diagnosed with depression becos finally the help I had always been looking for has finally came to me.. But little did I know, that I would still be struggling with myself.. It seems like the struggle gets even more confusing and sometimes make me so lost.. Perhaps, I am beginning to see where my problems reali are..

But the thing is.. It seems like things begins to set in a path, finally.. No doubtful things that I can question or suspect that it might be not be that way or what.. I am quite hard-headed, you see.. I need a lot of proof and all the facts for me to accept things.. So, for me to have someone neutral, a stranger who have no relation with me in my personal life, a person who has the knowledge and ability to help me, and most importantly, all of that which make this a person whom I can trust.

Onli 3 sessions that I'd went through so far.. There are times in between when I feel tough, as I have mentioned, from the struggle that I have with myself; the denial, the negativity and all the self-blaming reali took away my energy.. I have to pull myself back and go through it and remind myself that I reali should nt let myself drown.. There were times when I feel myself damn bloody useless (better to die than to humiliate myself) and all that, thoughts which onli came to me when I am depressed, but when I brave myself to confront it, and with the help of my counsellor to face it, I can feel the difference.. I feel much in peace and the my thoughts will calmed down.. It is just like a step by step thing..

Something like hiking, on the way all the huffing puffing, the muscles strain, the breathlessness, the feeling of fear when the steps are so steep, then comes the checkpoint, where the instant recharge can be felt and then u tell urself u have to continue, right to the top..

I reali hope, I will be able to..

Then, there is the people.. People that I am so afraid to talk to.. That I am so afraid that I will make them hate me.. I am beginning to accept too.. To try and be more open and not being all so erm.. alone.. Hahaha.. I hope I dun scare them off..with my quite a change..

Anyway, I am looking forward.. I feel like I am beginning to feel like myself once again though I knw there will be rough times coming for me..

This life, is very much should be appreciated, seeing hw the world has become, nowadays.. I knw I have a whole lot of blessings to be Thanking God for, instead of continue in that negative state..

With God and my family and all that love, pray and support me, I will walk through this...

p/s: I think I have babbled throughout this post so I'm sorry if things seem a bit confusing.. Hahaha

Here Alone, In This Island..

Wow, blogger has updated their interface.. Kinda weird to type in this seems-to-be-a-much-modern-interface.. Anyway, it proves that I have not been here for a long time..

So, back here, what am I going to pour out again? Maybe most of the negativity that has been stuck in me for far too much..

Well, a little update on my life here in this Island.. This week will be the 4th week since I have came back here.. It is onli the beginning of week 4 but it seems like I have been here for like months.. Tasks are piling up mercilessly..but then, what do I expect? This is the final year! So, it is onli normal that the pile of work is up to the more-than-normal-par that was set in 2 years ago..

 Nothing interesting for me to be excited about.. As usual, being paranoid about my everything always sets me apart from my peers, which results me in being quite much alone again.. It's not that I am an anti-social kind of person.. My main concern is that I might drain out my energy too much.. For those who knew, depression is reali an emotional and energy drainage.. Even if I am onli a bit tired, it will have the chance to come and attack.. Which in the end, I lay on my bed, crying, helpless and hopeless..

About my depression, finally I have some hope.. A doctor finally recognises my problem and I have been referred to see a psychiatrist.. To those who are shallow, yes, you may call me crazy but to those who understand what depression means, I hope may with your prayers and support, I am finally able to get rid of this monster that seems so comfortable hiding inside of me.. But according to the initial diagnosis, my depression may caused by the lack of some certain neurochemical that my brain needs or it might also caused by certain.. I dunno, better to wait until the first appointment with the psychiatrist..

I am very relieved, I finally dun need to struggle on my own to overcome that nasty monster in me.. Also, I reali hope I dun need to be afraid the possibility of facing those emotional and energy drainage episodes, anymore..

About my life up until today, I have not been in a very healthy state.. Lack of energy and having mild symptoms of depression.. Cried a lot since the session with the doctor.. You see, you understand what I mean? Half of the energy gone just to deal with myself.. Left the other half to be put into my work.. Anyway, I got thinner.. Been not eating well, the food sucks, everytime I think about the sand or small stones that I accidentally bit into, my appetite all gone.. The worse came from a coursemate, who claimed to had found a fly in one of those unhygienic dishes.. Wtf! Wtf! Us students are not human?! Is this what civilisation is about?

Unhappy, emo and struggling to keep breathing.. Hated these feelings very much, can't wait to get rid of all these soon..

I thought I keep this post as short as possible but it seems to be getting lengthy as the words came pouring out..

I am learning not to carry too much at a time.. This is the right time for me to let go little by little most of things and focus on my priorities first: To go through my degree life with flying colours and Be successfully graduated, To be healthy physically, mentally and emotionally.. Other things, I beg for mercy that may all that be far from me at these crucial moments.. I reali could not be handling too much, with the ability to do so is hindered by these depression episodes.. I hope that once I got better, I can do all that I wanna do all along, with energy and full mental strength..

I hope, I would not be telling myself that I am useless, and that I better die than living so that I won't be giving shit to everyone's life, ever again... And that everybody hated me and....and.... Enough.. Enough of all these.. With these tears in my eyes, I look forward to the future, to be healthy.. I am reali grateful that I met that doctor.. She was the onli one who hear the cry in my heart.. God Bless you..

I pray to God, for Strength and Hope..

Thank God..

Tomorrow, we will have session with the consultants on the feasibility study of our final year project.. May all of us successfully go through it!!!

Past Tense

Been catching up to some drama series these days.. Although I reali dun fancy soap opera, I had treat it as something to pass my time of the day.. Make me feel less lonely..

Anyway, today the drama touched on a matter that reali made me wonder so much.. An Emperor, who has it all, the wealth, the people and the women, yet his heart has set on onli one of his concubines..

Makes me wonder, is it that in life, once we had the best, nothing else can ever replace that anymore.. Dun matter in the future there are many good things that we encounter, nothing that can attract and capture our hearts the whole anymore.. It will forever be incomplete, becos pieces of it had gone with the precious thing that we once had...

I wonder, can the other person reali feels it, once we had decided to never return again into the person's life?

But as expected in life, Fate has always has its way.. Things do not always turn out the way we want them to be..

Emo To The Max

Emo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why I always let others to have the chance to play with my feelings!

Strength

My strength.. It comes from my ability to put my focus into my priorities.. My fault is that I always divert my focus into unnecessary things.. Unnecessary stuff that have no sense of value for me to sacrifice so much and put my time and effort..

Would it be too late if I finally straighten out my priorities, set my focus and make everything right, now?

I just hope not.. I pray to God, though I know that I have sinned..

Let Go..

I would never wanna turn back ever again.. It still hurts so much.. The letters.. The cards.. The Gifts.. Adey clean out everything.. I dun wanna keep them anymore.. I also dun wanna put on hope anymore.. I dun wanna wait anymore..

I always think that I am strong.. But with this person.. I never am.. Becos the love that I once had, is so irreplaceable.. Not becos that I had always been showered with expensive gifts, or because I am treated like The King.. It is becos, I am loved with care, love, understanding and patience.. Most importantly, although we have no money, we were happy.. Dun matter hw many times we have met, it still felt like the first day.. The love.. But somehow, it has still ended, almost 3 years of building it but it had still came tumbling down... Now that the love is not something that I own anymore, I should let it go.. And let myself move on.. I should be grateful and cherish that I had once had it before, instead of keep remembering it and thinking to myself all the possibilities that do more harm than good in the present and also the future..

Plus, I had many wonderful love before... Each is as valuable as any that I had once had.. So I should reali keep all of it into a treasure box and buried deep into the history of my soul..

The question that matters the most to me now is, why is it that I had keep looking back to the past? Is it becos the present is reali that bad? I dun think that it is bad.. Then why??

Maybe just as I had suspected, I had never heal from the wounds that I got as I didn't give myself sufficient time to heal.. I keep jumping myself from one boat to another boat to keep myself from drowning instead of swimming to the shore..

I dun wanna live in the past anymore.. Even when we were friends.. I am like a thief.. I am told: "Cannot let anyone know. Or else I kena bomb." I know I can never be like any of this person's friends.. Enough la..

Why should I bermuka tebal?

Until now I am still burden by guys.. Maybe I should just be a lesbian.. Or simply juz vow to be single for the rest of my life.. All the problem in the world always start with Men..

Words that come from the mouth of Men, can never be taken seriously or be trusted.. Because the ending will just be heartache... Men will tell the same thing about Women..

Things be what they wanna be right..

Stucked

I should have known that I have always been living in the past.. And that is what has been causing me to lose faith in myself, of my foolishness of couldn't let go of the past..

Yesterday was quite a mega clean up since two years ago.. As expected, I found many stuff that reali bring back all the heartaches.. Deep down, I know that my heart had not been healed as I just create an illusion to myself that I have healed, by jumping on one after another boats.. I thought as time passes, I would eventually healed as new love blossoms.. Who knows that I had landed on one that I shouldn't have.. In the end, I am just adding misery and pressure and heartaches into my life..

These days, I have been very stress out.. Many things that keep bugging me and gripping my mind like a giant octopus.. I am so afraid of sleeping at night because, without fail, I have been waking up in nightmares.. Always running, hiding, facing gruesome scenes and terror.. It is onli when there is a hint of sunlight do I feel at peace to sleep.. Sleeping in the dark enhance the terror too.. Each time I am awake by the terror in nightmares, I find myself don't dare to open my eyes because if I do, I can onli see the blackness.. Seems to be engulfed by it.. Difficult to breathe..

Seems like my depression is getting worse.. I couldn't even perform simple tasks without being blur or forgetful towards actions that I had done few seconds or minutes ago.. Adding to my misery, I could not even make simple decision anymore... I keep asking people to make decision for me.. I am so afraid.. What has becoming of me? Even while I am typing now, I will pause here and there trying to remember what is it that I want to write or what is the spelling of words or correct back my messy grammar.. It has been many years that I have been on my own facing my own wander-ful mind.. I thought I will succeed in overcoming this big D word.. But it is growing powerful instead.. Everyday, the feeling and thoughts of uselessness, cheap, a good-for-nothing, a big burden along with indecisiveness, absent-minded-ness, accompanied and make my mind full throughout the day..

I am not who I am anymore.. Each day, I realise that I have lose something.. I could not bear with all this anymore.. Can anybody hear my cry for help deep in this heart? I am so afraid.. All the fear and uncertainty lead to my recent lack of tolerance and short of temper, which make me feel it is better for me to lock myself in my room that reali onli worsen my condition..

I hate this rationality.. I dun understand how I can be so helpless mentally and emotionally but yet able to still......erm.......know what is going on.. Stuck at a point that is making me so frustrated and helpless..

I did consuledt a doctor and she told me to adopt a hobby to get rid of all these nonsense in my mind and that seeing a psychiatrist should be the last resort.. What she doesn't know is that I have been trying all along.. Adey 5 years.. 5 hell of years... On and off, I have been dealing with this.. And hobby? Doing things that I like could not distract me from what contained in my heart.. Dun matter how absorbed I am, after I stop doing things, all the nonsense would be crashing back into my mind like waves..

Please, stop it... Stop all these nonsense.. It has been a long time since I have been myself.. Since I am able to be myself.. I hate who I am now.. The feeling of energised and full of spirit, it has been a long time...

Get the hell out, of me..

Annoyed

Somebody has been annoying me to the max these days.. That somebody: Myself..

Haiz...

Another annoying Well, it would be those people that are damn "kiasu" (fear of losing/to be afraid of losing out/miss out).. These people, have a great sense of ignorance and are oblivious to something until other people are actually paying attention to that something... If you do not bother at first, don't bother at all! Why must you go and busy staying ahead of others??!!! These people, usually got very lucky by put on the tidak-apa (it's okay/dun bother) attitude towards something until they realise, other people are focusing on that something, then in order not to lose out they are EXTREMELY determine, persistent and mostly importantly: annoying, in chasing and be ahead of other people which of course, in the end, these annoying bunch of people manage to reach the finish line first instead of those started early...

If you dun bother, dun bother!!!!!!!!!

Panda-Looking Girl

Recently, the dark circles under my eyes got worse.. I wonder will I ever have the chance to get rid of these..

Getting anemic..

Since my holidays have started, I have not been feeling happy.. One matter after another, I am constantly in worries, negativity and the sadness is reali unbearable..

Even though I am in so-called holidays, I dun feel like I am having a break.. There would be so many things needing my attention, in which I find myself drained myself out just to think about each of every thing.. I feel so tired.. Exhausted.. Physically and mentally... I wanted to run away so bad.. I want to have my own break and rest.. I wanna keep myself away from all the expectations and the feeling that people needed me.. I wanna be with myself..

No one to call me, no one for me to care, I dun need to be self-conscious, dun need to feel guilty, dun need to lie, dun need to care about my abandoned workload, stress about my job.. I want a break.. Most important of all: I dun wanna worry about money!

I am dying inside.. I wanna be free from all these stress.. Especially in my job.. I thought I come in as an intern, but in the end, more like an odd-job assistant.. Why do I need to endure these?? I did not expect these at the first place.. Because if I did, I would have applied for a temporary job instead of being an intern with a low pay that cannot support me and onli adds the burden to my family..

Thinking about the job, I feel reali stress-out.. The transportation (KTM!), the company, the people that I need to deal with especially those customers for a company that had hired us for live receptionist who I think are a bunch of rude nuisances.. I ask myself, why? Why do I need to face all these? My initial intention is to gain knowledge necessary to carry out final year project.. But what am I doing now?? I dun mind odd jobs, but this is not what I want at the moment...

I love this world, but the inhabitants particularly the species that I called homo sapiens, are reali bunch of fools and nuisance.. Everything in this world become so bad and is getting worse is because of us... Homo sapiens. Bunch of fools with mind.. We bring the ugly into this world even though we are declared the "intelligent" ones in this planet..

I feel so stress.. I just hope I won't get depressed.. Damn it.. Damn my life.. I am the one that had ruined every of the things in my life.. I have ruined myself..

Damn foolish me.. So young, so naive, so lost...

Shameful

Who do I think I am? So shameful.. Barged into ppl's life just like tat, hoping that things can have a new start and everything would be fine.. How naive I am..

Feeling so disappointed of myself.. Muka tebal.. Lebih.. Nonsense.. Ridiculous.. Babi.. I am so damn shameful..

Twice bitten, forever a fool - A very long and emo post

The above was something that I have changed from one of the proverbs that we are so familiar with: Once bitten, twice shy.. I am lazy to explain this proverb's meaning but briefly, it means after something or someone has hurt us or have given us a reali bad experience, we tend to be extra cautious to avoid the same or similar things ever happen again..

So, guess the meaning for my modified version from the original one..

I have always move forward once I realised that there is none to be holding to, or anything that I can give, anymore.. It may sounded cruel and sounded reali easier to be said than to be done.. But based on what I have gone through so many times, I believe that not onli this way is merciful, it is the best thing to do under the circumstances..

Although the pain of letting something or someone go requires tremendous effort and a super strong mind, heart and soul to endure such a great deal of pain and mental torture, and the relentless blaming from the other party, if it is a person that we are facing with..somehow, at the end, both party will be able to cope up and stand back up faster, compared if the whole thing is being dragged, forced and delayed..

However, under one circumstance that if one ever got "bitten" but return back to the source which the person got bitten in the first place, the word fool might not even well describe the person..

It is a merciful thing to do if we ever love a person sincerely and is with that kind of healthy state of mind and heart, we would let the person go if the whole thing does not going to the right and healthy direction anymore.. Dun ever use the words such as "having a break", "chill off for awhile", or "waiting for things to be right again", if the the heart, mind and soul is not reali looking forward in the relationship anymore..

I also do not believe, that giving a second chance to the relationship that is just like a wrecking boat waiting to sink, is a good idea.. End it.. Give both of you and partner, the chance to grow up, to learn valuable lesson from the relationship, although both of you will be in extreme pain, the pain will eventually heal, and time will make both of you and your former partner much stronger, mature and wise individuals.. By doing this, both of you are actually cherishing, respecting and giving the relationship the final honour.. Do not let the things that both of you have go through to, to be in vain.. Dun ever let the relationship to be a waste of time, a meaningless journey that both of you have gain nothing at all.. Respect the relationship, and your partner..

A complete story, will always have an ending to the beginning..

Why not give it a second chance? I have many reasons why not.. (Warning, if you are a person that has a poor imagination and does not like metaphorical words, do not bother reading further, you get frustrated halfway through)

#1 If a boat is sinking in a constant rate, do you still wanna continue the journey in that boat? Do you repair the boat under that circumstance? The boat is sinking! Faster save yourself and your partner and swim to the shore or find any solutions at all so that both of you will stay alive.. Whatever happens, if fate has it that both of you must part ways in order for both of you to ever get back to the shore, just let it be! The most important thing is that both of you never give up in swimming back to the shore or find any way at all, to stay alive.. Don't ever be selfish.. Dun ever hold your partner back, becos you do not wanna part ways and in the end, let both of you to just sink together with the boat.. What a tragic event..

#2 What will you do if the condition of a wooden bridge gets reali bad, like the wood is already not strong, the rope that held the bridge adey dangling out here and there, and the bridge is swaying left and right everytime someone crosses it? Do u still wanna add good wood to the adey obviously in a poor condition bridge hoping it can still stays, or tie back any parts of the dangling rope, hoping at least it can still holds for some more time? Or would you rather, collapsing the whole bridge and build a new one? It might be impossible to build back the same bridge or the processes of the building back the bridge will be very, very hard.. But please think about this: You dun need to build back the same bridge, you need to build a new, improvised bridge with very strong structure and materials to hold the bridge together, so that it is made for supporting, and endure any conditions, such as strong winds, or strong flow of water.. And, the processes of building back the bridge might even deemed impossible becos it is so hard, SO? If there was once a bridge there, it means, it is not an impossible task for having a bridge once again.. However, before you wanna start build back the bridge; is it under the RIGHT CIRCUMSTANCES/TIME that you have choose to build back the bridge (imagine strong winds, high water tide, etc.), do you have the right MATERIALS (love, attitudes, heart, mind, soul, personalities) for you to build a much greater, stronger, improvised bridge, do you have the RIGHT PERSON that you trust and have confidence in to help you in building that bridge and that this is the onli person that you reali WANT to work with not to mention does this person WANTS to join you in that quest too, and most importantly, do you have any PLANS and ANTICIPATION and PASSION in building back a bridge?

#3 When you realised you got lost in a journey, do you wanna keep continue walking and walking never knowing why the hell is it that you keep walking or just becos the person beside you continue walking assuming that the person knows the way, where the hell are you going and worse, you the one that is guiding the other that is walking beside you? No.. You stop. You analyse, you think and you find a change of direction, either going back to where both of you have come from or walk to a direction that you are CONFIDENT enough that at least, it will bring both of you out from walking in a circle and might lead to somewhere that the chance of finding the right direction might be in sight..

#4 Why resist changes? Be inspired by these quotes:

‘Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or present are certain to miss future.’

— John Fitzgerald Kennedy

‘Change is not merely necessary to life—it is life.’

— Alvin Toffler

‘To exist is to change, to change is to mature, to mature is to go on creating oneself endlessly.’

— Henri Bergson

Life belongs to the living, and he who lives must be prepared for changes.’

— Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

#5 Do you still wanna continue living in a tortured and unhappy state, not to mention living in agony as time passes by? No. You put an end to everything..

#6 What makes you think that a person that has the heart to walk away from you under the crucial circumstances, will never walk away from you again under a normal circumstances? The person already experience the whole scene of walking away, leaving you alone to face all the shit and come back to you after things have been resolved by your own effort, and he/she got accepted back by you.. He/She adey knew, what to do, in order to get back to you.. Soon, the turning-back-on-you will become a reali, reali annoying and heart breaking HABIT.. A person, dun matter what happen, with all his/her love and respect to you, would never let you see his/her back..never would wanna turn and even think of walking away, especially during the stormy times, when the days are rough, when the nights are cold, when there are challenges ahead, when there are consequences of the actions that both of you have made come knocking at the door, happy or sad, a balance relationship is the one that both you and your partner can play different roles depending on the situation.. When you are sad, the other become the pillar of strength for you, and vice versa..

Anyway, 3 Questions: #1 How much you both love each other? Is it enough to the point which both of you realise that when you both have stop growing up together and keep getting stuck at the same point that being together just feel like a ticking bomb waiting for the final perishment, both of you will selflessly let go and hoping the best out of the ending? #2 Is the relationship mutual and balance? Do you feel like you are nurturing a young, fresh plant into a constantly growing tree or you feel like you are onli hanging on to the branch of a (dying), tree? #3 Are you happy and blissful?

Anyway, the words above make me look pathetic.. Becos, I did something that I have never did before and had gone against all the thoughts that I had above that I have always hold as my principles.. An action that contradicts with the entire text above.. I had given someone, a second chance.. Although deep down, I know it won't work, knowing myself very well that to build back the trust and respect will be EXTREMELY hard and for me to gain back trust in a person that had walk away and got my heart broken quite badly and the wound haven't even heal yet, will onli make the matter worse.. Plus, I know very well that with this person, we can never see eye to eye with each other..

Now I can onli bear the pain, the terrible pain, from which the wound that had gone deeper... Double the pain that I need to face.. I could nt sleep.. The ache is getting unbearable as time passes, even when I am finally able to close my eyes and sleep, few minutes later I would be awaken by the pain, then tears would be flowing freely once more, hurting my dignity, disappointing myself.. I still rmb the time when I got as much pain as this before.. I was in first year in university, struggling very hard of the change of my life.. Could not catch up in my studies.. Being far away from home.. The person that should be a comforting sanctuary, became the greatest betrayal I never can forget in this life.. I end up falling even deeper into the hole of depression.. Neglecting my lectures, tutorials, assignments, my life.. It is until the very last minutes, I suddenly realised I could nt bear the disappointment that I would possibly give to my parents if I keep continue in that, no sleeping, no eating, not living state, that onli I am able to struggle and force myself to stand back up and Thank God, managed to hand in my last minutes of tonnes of assignments and face my exam...

Now, I find myself got stucked in the same situation again..

I dunno I should laugh at myself for being a stucked up and for being so fucked up or despise myself... I never learn my lessons, do I?

But this time I noe it is different.. Once it is the other party that said it is over, it is over.. I would still forgive, I would still accept back if we went apart then the other party come back to me, I would still looking forward in the relationship, UNLESS, the other party has spoken the word that IT IS OVER.. Never swallow back words that have been said.. Especially guys.. BE A MAN OF YOUR WORDS..

It is understandable that sometimes a girl might get too emotional and said emotional nonsense stuff but being a guy, means being in control of your emotions.. Real men do not, THEY DO NOT, act recklessly and selfishly under the rational mind of theirs.. Maybe I am bias, or I have ridiculously high expectations of a man or I am just simply being sane and as matter-of-fact..

But like I have said before, who am I, to judge anyone.. Who am I, to judge this life..

No appetite, no motivation, abandoned work that needs to be passed up tomorrow, zombie-like-without-the-sleep and most importantly: PATHETIC.. DOES ANYONE HAS AN PAIN-KILLER FOR THE BROKEN HEARTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know things are tough for him too.. I pray that we be more matured, wiser, and never stop growing up and become the best individuals that we both can be..

God...

Sleepless

A sleepless night.. I guess this would not be the only sleepless night..

Restless, uneasy, blanket by fear.. I just hope everything will be alright..

Right at this time, since I could nt even sleep a wink, I could onli endure my hunger.. Hoping to catch a hint of sunlight soon.. Another new day.. Life goes on.. There is onli, forward to go...

The numbness, not the first.. However I hope it will be my last.. Words that are so familiar, seemed like just moments ago, I heard it twice, back-to-back, just last night, I have heard it, for the third time.. Different individuals, but the similar words with the same meanings.. When will this cycle of broken promises, heartaches and the end to a beginning will ever end? I guess not.. Becos, it is just the way life goes.. A circle.. A cycle..

I know it is onli me to be blamed..

Every beginning has an ending, every meeting has a parting, though there are some that might have incomplete state at the moment, one day, as life always has its ways, the pieces will be rejoined...

Again and again I fall, when will I ever this? I guess never..

Right and wrong, black and white, every thing has its opposite.. And those in the middle are either losts, miracles, exceptions, or simply just stuck ups..

Who am I to judge, this life..

I am nt anticipating the end to my life, I am just looking forward in unlocking my own future..

I used to:-

May I know the truth in the existence of forever?

These Days..

These days I have been procrastinating a lot and been neglecting all my priorities.. Reasons being:

#1 I reali needed a break.. I wanna have fun! Some people are just so lucky with all the MONEY, MONEY (what?! I dun like 50 Cent!) for them to buy fun, along with all their lovely friends and family.

#2 I have no idea of what am I doing.. I dunno is becos of my old age or is it becos I am getting stupid-er..

Anyway, been quite addicted to two special guys that I found out exist in this world, two weeks ago.. They are, Kevin Wu, the owner of the JumbaFund and KevJumba channel, and Ryan Higa, the owner of the channel NigaHiga, in Youtube.. They are both so cool guys~ And of course, people that they hang out with, such as the Wong Fu productions, Happy Slip and many others are also so cool.. Why they are cool? Becos they do what they do and put their hearts in pursuing their interests, without giving people the feelings that they are wannabes or some pretenders.. Well, it is my opinion from what I can derived from their personalities in their videos.. Still, they have their own personal lives and it is not my rights to poke into..

If you are interested, show your support! I put their links at the side of this blog.. ^-^

Rant and Complain: WHY?!!??........ Why I dun have boyfriend like Kevin Wu.. T.T But think again, girl like me would never have bright guys like him to even look at me.. Hahaha~ Wish him best wishes in finding The One~

Next, my final year project (FYP) is reali giving me some hard times.. And my japanese language revision for this year's upcoming Japanese Language Proficiency Test (JLPT), is still...I am too ashamed to even say that I've adey begin doing it.. Sensei.....~.~ T.T

Other than that, life has been about daily routines, tears (this has to be put into Ben Wong's account), smiles and laughs (thanks to KevJumba and NigaHiga channel) and...and...well...the usual...

Until now I still haven't watch TRANSFORMER 3!!!!!!! ARGGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I DISLIKE KTM!!!!! ESPECIALLY THE ETS TRAIN TO IPOH!!!!!! ALWAYS MAKE ME LATE TO WORK!!!!!!! That day kena raba somemore (got molested)!!!!!!!!!!!

That's it for now.. Bye~

First Post

Hello~~ I have decided to create another blog~ Dun wan to contain too much into my poor fragile heart XD

So it is a fresh burst of air for me and to be able to pour all the rants, thoughts, complaints and what not to this lovely space of MINE make me feel EXCITED (..not reali..)..

Anyway, this is me and this is mine.. Welcome^-^