Here Alone, In This Island..

Wow, blogger has updated their interface.. Kinda weird to type in this seems-to-be-a-much-modern-interface.. Anyway, it proves that I have not been here for a long time..

So, back here, what am I going to pour out again? Maybe most of the negativity that has been stuck in me for far too much..

Well, a little update on my life here in this Island.. This week will be the 4th week since I have came back here.. It is onli the beginning of week 4 but it seems like I have been here for like months.. Tasks are piling up mercilessly..but then, what do I expect? This is the final year! So, it is onli normal that the pile of work is up to the more-than-normal-par that was set in 2 years ago..

 Nothing interesting for me to be excited about.. As usual, being paranoid about my everything always sets me apart from my peers, which results me in being quite much alone again.. It's not that I am an anti-social kind of person.. My main concern is that I might drain out my energy too much.. For those who knew, depression is reali an emotional and energy drainage.. Even if I am onli a bit tired, it will have the chance to come and attack.. Which in the end, I lay on my bed, crying, helpless and hopeless..

About my depression, finally I have some hope.. A doctor finally recognises my problem and I have been referred to see a psychiatrist.. To those who are shallow, yes, you may call me crazy but to those who understand what depression means, I hope may with your prayers and support, I am finally able to get rid of this monster that seems so comfortable hiding inside of me.. But according to the initial diagnosis, my depression may caused by the lack of some certain neurochemical that my brain needs or it might also caused by certain.. I dunno, better to wait until the first appointment with the psychiatrist..

I am very relieved, I finally dun need to struggle on my own to overcome that nasty monster in me.. Also, I reali hope I dun need to be afraid the possibility of facing those emotional and energy drainage episodes, anymore..

About my life up until today, I have not been in a very healthy state.. Lack of energy and having mild symptoms of depression.. Cried a lot since the session with the doctor.. You see, you understand what I mean? Half of the energy gone just to deal with myself.. Left the other half to be put into my work.. Anyway, I got thinner.. Been not eating well, the food sucks, everytime I think about the sand or small stones that I accidentally bit into, my appetite all gone.. The worse came from a coursemate, who claimed to had found a fly in one of those unhygienic dishes.. Wtf! Wtf! Us students are not human?! Is this what civilisation is about?

Unhappy, emo and struggling to keep breathing.. Hated these feelings very much, can't wait to get rid of all these soon..

I thought I keep this post as short as possible but it seems to be getting lengthy as the words came pouring out..

I am learning not to carry too much at a time.. This is the right time for me to let go little by little most of things and focus on my priorities first: To go through my degree life with flying colours and Be successfully graduated, To be healthy physically, mentally and emotionally.. Other things, I beg for mercy that may all that be far from me at these crucial moments.. I reali could not be handling too much, with the ability to do so is hindered by these depression episodes.. I hope that once I got better, I can do all that I wanna do all along, with energy and full mental strength..

I hope, I would not be telling myself that I am useless, and that I better die than living so that I won't be giving shit to everyone's life, ever again... And that everybody hated me and....and.... Enough.. Enough of all these.. With these tears in my eyes, I look forward to the future, to be healthy.. I am reali grateful that I met that doctor.. She was the onli one who hear the cry in my heart.. God Bless you..

I pray to God, for Strength and Hope..

Thank God..

Tomorrow, we will have session with the consultants on the feasibility study of our final year project.. May all of us successfully go through it!!!