Stucked

I should have known that I have always been living in the past.. And that is what has been causing me to lose faith in myself, of my foolishness of couldn't let go of the past..

Yesterday was quite a mega clean up since two years ago.. As expected, I found many stuff that reali bring back all the heartaches.. Deep down, I know that my heart had not been healed as I just create an illusion to myself that I have healed, by jumping on one after another boats.. I thought as time passes, I would eventually healed as new love blossoms.. Who knows that I had landed on one that I shouldn't have.. In the end, I am just adding misery and pressure and heartaches into my life..

These days, I have been very stress out.. Many things that keep bugging me and gripping my mind like a giant octopus.. I am so afraid of sleeping at night because, without fail, I have been waking up in nightmares.. Always running, hiding, facing gruesome scenes and terror.. It is onli when there is a hint of sunlight do I feel at peace to sleep.. Sleeping in the dark enhance the terror too.. Each time I am awake by the terror in nightmares, I find myself don't dare to open my eyes because if I do, I can onli see the blackness.. Seems to be engulfed by it.. Difficult to breathe..

Seems like my depression is getting worse.. I couldn't even perform simple tasks without being blur or forgetful towards actions that I had done few seconds or minutes ago.. Adding to my misery, I could not even make simple decision anymore... I keep asking people to make decision for me.. I am so afraid.. What has becoming of me? Even while I am typing now, I will pause here and there trying to remember what is it that I want to write or what is the spelling of words or correct back my messy grammar.. It has been many years that I have been on my own facing my own wander-ful mind.. I thought I will succeed in overcoming this big D word.. But it is growing powerful instead.. Everyday, the feeling and thoughts of uselessness, cheap, a good-for-nothing, a big burden along with indecisiveness, absent-minded-ness, accompanied and make my mind full throughout the day..

I am not who I am anymore.. Each day, I realise that I have lose something.. I could not bear with all this anymore.. Can anybody hear my cry for help deep in this heart? I am so afraid.. All the fear and uncertainty lead to my recent lack of tolerance and short of temper, which make me feel it is better for me to lock myself in my room that reali onli worsen my condition..

I hate this rationality.. I dun understand how I can be so helpless mentally and emotionally but yet able to still......erm.......know what is going on.. Stuck at a point that is making me so frustrated and helpless..

I did consuledt a doctor and she told me to adopt a hobby to get rid of all these nonsense in my mind and that seeing a psychiatrist should be the last resort.. What she doesn't know is that I have been trying all along.. Adey 5 years.. 5 hell of years... On and off, I have been dealing with this.. And hobby? Doing things that I like could not distract me from what contained in my heart.. Dun matter how absorbed I am, after I stop doing things, all the nonsense would be crashing back into my mind like waves..

Please, stop it... Stop all these nonsense.. It has been a long time since I have been myself.. Since I am able to be myself.. I hate who I am now.. The feeling of energised and full of spirit, it has been a long time...

Get the hell out, of me..