Past Tense

Been catching up to some drama series these days.. Although I reali dun fancy soap opera, I had treat it as something to pass my time of the day.. Make me feel less lonely..

Anyway, today the drama touched on a matter that reali made me wonder so much.. An Emperor, who has it all, the wealth, the people and the women, yet his heart has set on onli one of his concubines..

Makes me wonder, is it that in life, once we had the best, nothing else can ever replace that anymore.. Dun matter in the future there are many good things that we encounter, nothing that can attract and capture our hearts the whole anymore.. It will forever be incomplete, becos pieces of it had gone with the precious thing that we once had...

I wonder, can the other person reali feels it, once we had decided to never return again into the person's life?

But as expected in life, Fate has always has its way.. Things do not always turn out the way we want them to be..

Emo To The Max

Emo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why I always let others to have the chance to play with my feelings!

Strength

My strength.. It comes from my ability to put my focus into my priorities.. My fault is that I always divert my focus into unnecessary things.. Unnecessary stuff that have no sense of value for me to sacrifice so much and put my time and effort..

Would it be too late if I finally straighten out my priorities, set my focus and make everything right, now?

I just hope not.. I pray to God, though I know that I have sinned..

Let Go..

I would never wanna turn back ever again.. It still hurts so much.. The letters.. The cards.. The Gifts.. Adey clean out everything.. I dun wanna keep them anymore.. I also dun wanna put on hope anymore.. I dun wanna wait anymore..

I always think that I am strong.. But with this person.. I never am.. Becos the love that I once had, is so irreplaceable.. Not becos that I had always been showered with expensive gifts, or because I am treated like The King.. It is becos, I am loved with care, love, understanding and patience.. Most importantly, although we have no money, we were happy.. Dun matter hw many times we have met, it still felt like the first day.. The love.. But somehow, it has still ended, almost 3 years of building it but it had still came tumbling down... Now that the love is not something that I own anymore, I should let it go.. And let myself move on.. I should be grateful and cherish that I had once had it before, instead of keep remembering it and thinking to myself all the possibilities that do more harm than good in the present and also the future..

Plus, I had many wonderful love before... Each is as valuable as any that I had once had.. So I should reali keep all of it into a treasure box and buried deep into the history of my soul..

The question that matters the most to me now is, why is it that I had keep looking back to the past? Is it becos the present is reali that bad? I dun think that it is bad.. Then why??

Maybe just as I had suspected, I had never heal from the wounds that I got as I didn't give myself sufficient time to heal.. I keep jumping myself from one boat to another boat to keep myself from drowning instead of swimming to the shore..

I dun wanna live in the past anymore.. Even when we were friends.. I am like a thief.. I am told: "Cannot let anyone know. Or else I kena bomb." I know I can never be like any of this person's friends.. Enough la..

Why should I bermuka tebal?

Until now I am still burden by guys.. Maybe I should just be a lesbian.. Or simply juz vow to be single for the rest of my life.. All the problem in the world always start with Men..

Words that come from the mouth of Men, can never be taken seriously or be trusted.. Because the ending will just be heartache... Men will tell the same thing about Women..

Things be what they wanna be right..

Stucked

I should have known that I have always been living in the past.. And that is what has been causing me to lose faith in myself, of my foolishness of couldn't let go of the past..

Yesterday was quite a mega clean up since two years ago.. As expected, I found many stuff that reali bring back all the heartaches.. Deep down, I know that my heart had not been healed as I just create an illusion to myself that I have healed, by jumping on one after another boats.. I thought as time passes, I would eventually healed as new love blossoms.. Who knows that I had landed on one that I shouldn't have.. In the end, I am just adding misery and pressure and heartaches into my life..

These days, I have been very stress out.. Many things that keep bugging me and gripping my mind like a giant octopus.. I am so afraid of sleeping at night because, without fail, I have been waking up in nightmares.. Always running, hiding, facing gruesome scenes and terror.. It is onli when there is a hint of sunlight do I feel at peace to sleep.. Sleeping in the dark enhance the terror too.. Each time I am awake by the terror in nightmares, I find myself don't dare to open my eyes because if I do, I can onli see the blackness.. Seems to be engulfed by it.. Difficult to breathe..

Seems like my depression is getting worse.. I couldn't even perform simple tasks without being blur or forgetful towards actions that I had done few seconds or minutes ago.. Adding to my misery, I could not even make simple decision anymore... I keep asking people to make decision for me.. I am so afraid.. What has becoming of me? Even while I am typing now, I will pause here and there trying to remember what is it that I want to write or what is the spelling of words or correct back my messy grammar.. It has been many years that I have been on my own facing my own wander-ful mind.. I thought I will succeed in overcoming this big D word.. But it is growing powerful instead.. Everyday, the feeling and thoughts of uselessness, cheap, a good-for-nothing, a big burden along with indecisiveness, absent-minded-ness, accompanied and make my mind full throughout the day..

I am not who I am anymore.. Each day, I realise that I have lose something.. I could not bear with all this anymore.. Can anybody hear my cry for help deep in this heart? I am so afraid.. All the fear and uncertainty lead to my recent lack of tolerance and short of temper, which make me feel it is better for me to lock myself in my room that reali onli worsen my condition..

I hate this rationality.. I dun understand how I can be so helpless mentally and emotionally but yet able to still......erm.......know what is going on.. Stuck at a point that is making me so frustrated and helpless..

I did consuledt a doctor and she told me to adopt a hobby to get rid of all these nonsense in my mind and that seeing a psychiatrist should be the last resort.. What she doesn't know is that I have been trying all along.. Adey 5 years.. 5 hell of years... On and off, I have been dealing with this.. And hobby? Doing things that I like could not distract me from what contained in my heart.. Dun matter how absorbed I am, after I stop doing things, all the nonsense would be crashing back into my mind like waves..

Please, stop it... Stop all these nonsense.. It has been a long time since I have been myself.. Since I am able to be myself.. I hate who I am now.. The feeling of energised and full of spirit, it has been a long time...

Get the hell out, of me..