I have shifted..........

I have shifted to HERE!

Something for Myself

It has been quite some time since my last update.. Hee... Been busy with my priority with my studies.. And also, myself..

Dun wanna actually rant about my student life as those are just some natural things (damn loads of assignments, tasks, studies..^-^)...

Rather, I would like to update about my progress with the counselling session I had, so far.. Been following the counselling session with a psychologist.. (I've mistaken him as the psychiatrist..hahaha..my condition is still manageable so it is good enough to have onli counselling sessions without the need of medications..)

AT first, I thought things would be fine since I have been diagnosed with depression becos finally the help I had always been looking for has finally came to me.. But little did I know, that I would still be struggling with myself.. It seems like the struggle gets even more confusing and sometimes make me so lost.. Perhaps, I am beginning to see where my problems reali are..

But the thing is.. It seems like things begins to set in a path, finally.. No doubtful things that I can question or suspect that it might be not be that way or what.. I am quite hard-headed, you see.. I need a lot of proof and all the facts for me to accept things.. So, for me to have someone neutral, a stranger who have no relation with me in my personal life, a person who has the knowledge and ability to help me, and most importantly, all of that which make this a person whom I can trust.

Onli 3 sessions that I'd went through so far.. There are times in between when I feel tough, as I have mentioned, from the struggle that I have with myself; the denial, the negativity and all the self-blaming reali took away my energy.. I have to pull myself back and go through it and remind myself that I reali should nt let myself drown.. There were times when I feel myself damn bloody useless (better to die than to humiliate myself) and all that, thoughts which onli came to me when I am depressed, but when I brave myself to confront it, and with the help of my counsellor to face it, I can feel the difference.. I feel much in peace and the my thoughts will calmed down.. It is just like a step by step thing..

Something like hiking, on the way all the huffing puffing, the muscles strain, the breathlessness, the feeling of fear when the steps are so steep, then comes the checkpoint, where the instant recharge can be felt and then u tell urself u have to continue, right to the top..

I reali hope, I will be able to..

Then, there is the people.. People that I am so afraid to talk to.. That I am so afraid that I will make them hate me.. I am beginning to accept too.. To try and be more open and not being all so erm.. alone.. Hahaha.. I hope I dun scare them off..with my quite a change..

Anyway, I am looking forward.. I feel like I am beginning to feel like myself once again though I knw there will be rough times coming for me..

This life, is very much should be appreciated, seeing hw the world has become, nowadays.. I knw I have a whole lot of blessings to be Thanking God for, instead of continue in that negative state..

With God and my family and all that love, pray and support me, I will walk through this...

p/s: I think I have babbled throughout this post so I'm sorry if things seem a bit confusing.. Hahaha

Here Alone, In This Island..

Wow, blogger has updated their interface.. Kinda weird to type in this seems-to-be-a-much-modern-interface.. Anyway, it proves that I have not been here for a long time..

So, back here, what am I going to pour out again? Maybe most of the negativity that has been stuck in me for far too much..

Well, a little update on my life here in this Island.. This week will be the 4th week since I have came back here.. It is onli the beginning of week 4 but it seems like I have been here for like months.. Tasks are piling up mercilessly..but then, what do I expect? This is the final year! So, it is onli normal that the pile of work is up to the more-than-normal-par that was set in 2 years ago..

 Nothing interesting for me to be excited about.. As usual, being paranoid about my everything always sets me apart from my peers, which results me in being quite much alone again.. It's not that I am an anti-social kind of person.. My main concern is that I might drain out my energy too much.. For those who knew, depression is reali an emotional and energy drainage.. Even if I am onli a bit tired, it will have the chance to come and attack.. Which in the end, I lay on my bed, crying, helpless and hopeless..

About my depression, finally I have some hope.. A doctor finally recognises my problem and I have been referred to see a psychiatrist.. To those who are shallow, yes, you may call me crazy but to those who understand what depression means, I hope may with your prayers and support, I am finally able to get rid of this monster that seems so comfortable hiding inside of me.. But according to the initial diagnosis, my depression may caused by the lack of some certain neurochemical that my brain needs or it might also caused by certain.. I dunno, better to wait until the first appointment with the psychiatrist..

I am very relieved, I finally dun need to struggle on my own to overcome that nasty monster in me.. Also, I reali hope I dun need to be afraid the possibility of facing those emotional and energy drainage episodes, anymore..

About my life up until today, I have not been in a very healthy state.. Lack of energy and having mild symptoms of depression.. Cried a lot since the session with the doctor.. You see, you understand what I mean? Half of the energy gone just to deal with myself.. Left the other half to be put into my work.. Anyway, I got thinner.. Been not eating well, the food sucks, everytime I think about the sand or small stones that I accidentally bit into, my appetite all gone.. The worse came from a coursemate, who claimed to had found a fly in one of those unhygienic dishes.. Wtf! Wtf! Us students are not human?! Is this what civilisation is about?

Unhappy, emo and struggling to keep breathing.. Hated these feelings very much, can't wait to get rid of all these soon..

I thought I keep this post as short as possible but it seems to be getting lengthy as the words came pouring out..

I am learning not to carry too much at a time.. This is the right time for me to let go little by little most of things and focus on my priorities first: To go through my degree life with flying colours and Be successfully graduated, To be healthy physically, mentally and emotionally.. Other things, I beg for mercy that may all that be far from me at these crucial moments.. I reali could not be handling too much, with the ability to do so is hindered by these depression episodes.. I hope that once I got better, I can do all that I wanna do all along, with energy and full mental strength..

I hope, I would not be telling myself that I am useless, and that I better die than living so that I won't be giving shit to everyone's life, ever again... And that everybody hated me and....and.... Enough.. Enough of all these.. With these tears in my eyes, I look forward to the future, to be healthy.. I am reali grateful that I met that doctor.. She was the onli one who hear the cry in my heart.. God Bless you..

I pray to God, for Strength and Hope..

Thank God..

Tomorrow, we will have session with the consultants on the feasibility study of our final year project.. May all of us successfully go through it!!!

Past Tense

Been catching up to some drama series these days.. Although I reali dun fancy soap opera, I had treat it as something to pass my time of the day.. Make me feel less lonely..

Anyway, today the drama touched on a matter that reali made me wonder so much.. An Emperor, who has it all, the wealth, the people and the women, yet his heart has set on onli one of his concubines..

Makes me wonder, is it that in life, once we had the best, nothing else can ever replace that anymore.. Dun matter in the future there are many good things that we encounter, nothing that can attract and capture our hearts the whole anymore.. It will forever be incomplete, becos pieces of it had gone with the precious thing that we once had...

I wonder, can the other person reali feels it, once we had decided to never return again into the person's life?

But as expected in life, Fate has always has its way.. Things do not always turn out the way we want them to be..

Emo To The Max

Emo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why I always let others to have the chance to play with my feelings!

Strength

My strength.. It comes from my ability to put my focus into my priorities.. My fault is that I always divert my focus into unnecessary things.. Unnecessary stuff that have no sense of value for me to sacrifice so much and put my time and effort..

Would it be too late if I finally straighten out my priorities, set my focus and make everything right, now?

I just hope not.. I pray to God, though I know that I have sinned..

Let Go..

I would never wanna turn back ever again.. It still hurts so much.. The letters.. The cards.. The Gifts.. Adey clean out everything.. I dun wanna keep them anymore.. I also dun wanna put on hope anymore.. I dun wanna wait anymore..

I always think that I am strong.. But with this person.. I never am.. Becos the love that I once had, is so irreplaceable.. Not becos that I had always been showered with expensive gifts, or because I am treated like The King.. It is becos, I am loved with care, love, understanding and patience.. Most importantly, although we have no money, we were happy.. Dun matter hw many times we have met, it still felt like the first day.. The love.. But somehow, it has still ended, almost 3 years of building it but it had still came tumbling down... Now that the love is not something that I own anymore, I should let it go.. And let myself move on.. I should be grateful and cherish that I had once had it before, instead of keep remembering it and thinking to myself all the possibilities that do more harm than good in the present and also the future..

Plus, I had many wonderful love before... Each is as valuable as any that I had once had.. So I should reali keep all of it into a treasure box and buried deep into the history of my soul..

The question that matters the most to me now is, why is it that I had keep looking back to the past? Is it becos the present is reali that bad? I dun think that it is bad.. Then why??

Maybe just as I had suspected, I had never heal from the wounds that I got as I didn't give myself sufficient time to heal.. I keep jumping myself from one boat to another boat to keep myself from drowning instead of swimming to the shore..

I dun wanna live in the past anymore.. Even when we were friends.. I am like a thief.. I am told: "Cannot let anyone know. Or else I kena bomb." I know I can never be like any of this person's friends.. Enough la..

Why should I bermuka tebal?

Until now I am still burden by guys.. Maybe I should just be a lesbian.. Or simply juz vow to be single for the rest of my life.. All the problem in the world always start with Men..

Words that come from the mouth of Men, can never be taken seriously or be trusted.. Because the ending will just be heartache... Men will tell the same thing about Women..

Things be what they wanna be right..