Dun wanna actually rant about my student life as those are just some natural things (damn loads of assignments, tasks, studies..^-^)...
Rather, I would like to update about my progress with the counselling session I had, so far.. Been following the counselling session with a psychologist.. (I've mistaken him as the psychiatrist..hahaha..my condition is still manageable so it is good enough to have onli counselling sessions without the need of medications..)
AT first, I thought things would be fine since I have been diagnosed with depression becos finally the help I had always been looking for has finally came to me.. But little did I know, that I would still be struggling with myself.. It seems like the struggle gets even more confusing and sometimes make me so lost.. Perhaps, I am beginning to see where my problems reali are..
But the thing is.. It seems like things begins to set in a path, finally.. No doubtful things that I can question or suspect that it might be not be that way or what.. I am quite hard-headed, you see.. I need a lot of proof and all the facts for me to accept things.. So, for me to have someone neutral, a stranger who have no relation with me in my personal life, a person who has the knowledge and ability to help me, and most importantly, all of that which make this a person whom I can trust.
Onli 3 sessions that I'd went through so far.. There are times in between when I feel tough, as I have mentioned, from the struggle that I have with myself; the denial, the negativity and all the self-blaming reali took away my energy.. I have to pull myself back and go through it and remind myself that I reali should nt let myself drown.. There were times when I feel myself damn bloody useless (better to die than to humiliate myself) and all that, thoughts which onli came to me when I am depressed, but when I brave myself to confront it, and with the help of my counsellor to face it, I can feel the difference.. I feel much in peace and the my thoughts will calmed down.. It is just like a step by step thing..
Something like hiking, on the way all the huffing puffing, the muscles strain, the breathlessness, the feeling of fear when the steps are so steep, then comes the checkpoint, where the instant recharge can be felt and then u tell urself u have to continue, right to the top..
I reali hope, I will be able to..
Then, there is the people.. People that I am so afraid to talk to.. That I am so afraid that I will make them hate me.. I am beginning to accept too.. To try and be more open and not being all so erm.. alone.. Hahaha.. I hope I dun scare them off..with my quite a change..
Anyway, I am looking forward.. I feel like I am beginning to feel like myself once again though I knw there will be rough times coming for me..
This life, is very much should be appreciated, seeing hw the world has become, nowadays.. I knw I have a whole lot of blessings to be Thanking God for, instead of continue in that negative state..
With God and my family and all that love, pray and support me, I will walk through this...
p/s: I think I have babbled throughout this post so I'm sorry if things seem a bit confusing.. Hahaha
